Wedding Season: A Scathing Review

Three words can be used to describe this piece of work: Worst. Book. Ever.

Never in my life have I been so offended by a piece of writing. That is likely because I have never read Twilight. However, there is one important similarity between this author's writing style, and Stephanie Meyer's writing style: Excessive and inappropriate use of the thesaurus (making her seem simultaneously stupid and pretentious). My personal favourite word: Proffered (why not just say offered?).

Here is a wonderful example of her writing style:
At the center of the article is a photograph of the bridal pair, taken in a dim grotto that houses one of the aquarium's main exhibits, where a fine-boned, patrician bride and her lanky, goateed groom stand silhouetted, looking into the vast tank. Their hands are clasped, their reflections faint in the thick glass. Beyond, in the bright starry water, two enormous Beluga whales gaze back at the couple, cherubic smiles on their blunt, mild snouts.

This excerpt demonstrates many of the problems with her writing.
1. Excessive and strange descriptions of people. Who would look at someone and describe them as "fine-boned"? Or "patrician"?
2. Juxtaposing nouns with inappropriate adjectives. What is "starry water"? And would you find it in a aquarium?
3. Weird imagery.
4. Irritating language. Cherubic smiles? On whales?

This is just the tip of the iceberg as far as I'm concerned. The author seems to believe there are two types of people in the world:
1. Gay people, who cheat on their partners.
2. Straight people, who cheat on their partners.
I don't even want to get into how many problems there are with this.

As well, she has horrifying views of feminity. The main character is herself horrifying, as well. Let me give you a brief synopsis of the novel:
- Girl(Joy) hates marriage, meets boy (Gabe) who doesn't want to get married. They start dating. Everything is perfect. They never fight (which is both realistic, and healthy, right?)
- Joy and Gabe have to attend 17 weddings in 6 months, a tall order for anyone let alone someone who hates weddings and disagrees with marriage.
- Gabe (a photographer) takes photos of Ora Mitelman (an author and notorious "man-eater"), who has her sights set on Gabe.
- Joy finds out Ora wants Gabe, and thinks Gabe is interested in Ora, but won't talk to him about it, as she believes that this would be "too girly-girl" and that having an open line of communication in a relationship is "against her principles"
- Things escalate as, inexplicably, Ora is at every wedding Gabe and Joy attend, and Gabe pays her an inordinate amount of attention.
- At a wedding at which Joy's ex-boyfriend attends, Joy kisses ex-boyfriend. Decides not to tell Gabe, again, inexplicably.
- Joy decides to start stalking her boyfriend instead of talking to him. Sees him with Ora a lot.
- Blah blah blah
- She gets engaged to Gabe, again, inexplicably
- Blah blah blah, eventually she breaks down and talks to Gabe about Ora, and the kiss with the ex-boyfriend (after a lot of shady behaviour, and crying, and me wanted to poke my own eyes out) who understands, and reassures Joy that he is not interested in Ora. Why would he be when he has such a fine catch (I actually laughed here, although he was being serious). Inexplicably, he decides he still wants to marry her. But she doesn't want to get married now.
- They break up, inexplicably.
- Joy attends the final wedding of the season alone, and is happy "in her own way".

Note the number of times I have used the word "inexplicably". Let me assure you, Reader, that this is not excessive, as none of those things were explained during the book.

I don't know if I could ever fully describe the horror of this book. But I will continue, with some very important details of the "plot", but more truthfully, details about the main character that are revealed as the "plot" progresses.

1. She is very "principled". As in she refuses to ever tell a lie, or make a promise that she doesn't know she can keep. This is because of some lame childhood experiences in which her father let her down. It's really only a ploy to not make her look like an asshole, when she actually is, which brings me to my next point.

2. She is an asshole. Not only does she herself never want to get married, but she forces this view on everyone else. Case in point: her mother (a divorce lawyer) is about to get married for the third time, and this is what she says to her mother in front of her whole family and her mother's fiance:

Mother: ...the commitment of marriage matters...
Joy: Right. It mattered so much for all your clients. And for you and Dad. And for you and Chet. I'm sure it's really going to work out well for you this time, too. Good thinking, Mom.

And earlier, in front of all her friends (who are getting married or are newly-weds): "I'm not some idiot so obsessed with the idea of love that I need some stupid institution to shore up my relationship".


3. She is a hypocrite. Where do I start? She gets engaged when she was so adament in her belief that marriage was a stupid instituion. In fact, it's the same night she says those horrible things to her mother. She believes that most people use principles to be "small-minded, petty, vain, self-serving and righteous without appearing to be so", but she herself is different. She crucifies people for having principles, yet she herself is "principled". WTF?


4. She is an idiot. The whole time, I thought she wasn't getting married because she didn't want to make a promise she can't keep. In a spectacular reveletion, however, we find out that she "believes in marriage too much", therefore is opposed to marriage. Amazing.

Overall, the book demonstrates the author's horrifying view of what it means to be a woman, and her very unhealthy views of what a good relationship is. I don't want to get into either.

Alright, I just have to stop writing about this book. I hated it so much, that really the only thing I got out of it was a long list of things NOT to include in my book. There was nothing funny, enjoyable or even the slightest bit redeeming about this steaming pile of shit that I appear to have stepped into willingly. Sorry about how long this post is. I am now thinking that it is more than that "book" ever deserved.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.