Blusher vs Bronzer: The Last Stand and 52,568 words

I think the following excerpt needs no introduction or explanation. Just read and enjoy

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I looked to Evelyn, expecting her to be hesitant. Or nervous. Or to outright refuse.

“I’ve been ready my whole life,” she said, then ran off upstairs.

No time to think about what she was off doing, the rest of the guys ran to change into their performance gear. Crisp, white, tailored suits over untucked (yes, untucked!) button down shirts that were… completely buttoned down. White sneakers finished off the look. Jon rustled through the bag, pulling out extra large containers of blusher, bronzer and highlighter. The guys got to work with their make-up brushes, expertly applying all three of the products to their faces, given them a perfect sun-kissed, beachy look. And although they still had the near-perfect abs from their younger years, they applied bronzer and highlighter here as well. The overall effect was pleasing, giving the appearance that they could grate cheese off of their abs and make a nice lasagna. I briefly started down the path of thinking exactly what cheese they might use to make that perfect lasagna, but I brought myself back to the present. I had concern about the products getting on their pristine white suits. But before I could even finish the thought, out came the hairspray. They sprayed it as a protective barrier on the edges of their shirts, ensuring that the expertly applied blusher and bronzer would not mar the perfect white of their outfits. I squinted and nodded my approval.

“I’m ready!” I heard Evelyn yell down from upstairs, out of breath. I looked up and saw that she had changed into expensive-looking acid-washed jorts, graphic tee and red fitted hoodie. I couldn’t help but notice that this outfit was an exact rip-off of 9 year old music prodigy Cody Simpson in his breakout hit music video, iyiyiy featuring Flo Rida. I could already picture her pulling out her phone at the opening of today’s (redacted spoiler) to read a text. Presumably, the text would say “143,” or, for those who still have a command of the English language: “I love you.” A perfect mash-up of two classic summer hit music videos. She was perfect.

As she got to the bottom of the stairs, Donnie grabbed a nearby make-up brush, applying blusher, bronzer and highlighter with care. Within moments, Evelyn looked like she was ready for the beach. 

“Blusher, bronzer AND highlighter?” She asked, surprised. “Is that the secret to beach-ready skin?”

Everyone nodded solemnly.

“But…But…” Evelyn took a moment to compose herself. “What about Zac Efron’s classic movie Blusher vs Bronzer: The Last Stand. In that all out apocalyptic battle for world domination there could only be ONE winner. When did we figure out they they could all just get along? And with such aplomb?”

“I don’t think that there was any one moment,” Gordon chimed in. “I think society in general just became more tolerant and accepting. Why force yourself into one box, when there are so many options?” I hadn’t even seen him slink back in the room. I did a double take as I noticed, with appreciation, his fantastic choice of earrings today. His earrings were small clay pots embellished with shells creating a beautiful—and practical—piece of jewellery doubling as a lipgloss holder that any human with eyes would have loved. Though, I was increasingly questioning the ‘human’ part for Gordon. And now Colm. But back to the earrings. The creator of the pot earrings had probably worn a protective dust mask and used latex gloves while painting and sanding the pots to a beautiful, smooth finish. The earrings really made waves.

Again, we all nodded solemnly.

“But can anyone tell me why we are here, waxing poetic about contouring your face and societal inclusivity when we should be at a concert?” Colm asked.

Gordon shot an icy stare at Colm. “I can’t believe you would even ask that question. I guess you still have a lot of learning to do,” he started, then looked at the time. “Alright. Wistful, serious makeup talk is over. It’s time to go.”