33,144 zippers as a sartorial metaphor for "undoing" an evil plot

With Doug Ford's plot to break the LCBO union underway, having a temporary ship then the world's largest convenience store selling alcohol at Ontario Place, Jocelyn Desmond is on the case. She is putting together her dream team to defeat Ford and his cronies. She has called them all to a meeting at "Jackie's Bunker."

~~~

After Jackie’s grand entrance (which included a surprisingly graceful roll and a urine soaked sock), he passes out a set of deep red, buttery faux-leather menus. They are not the familiar Jackie’s Place menus; crumpled and stained pieces of paper often featuring hand-written scribbles reminding patrons of the ‘Rules’.

On the front of the impressive menu in loopy gold script reads: Steaks are High Steakhouse. 

And in Comic Sans under that: Not your dog’s steakhouse!*

And in Papyrus under that:  *We are not legally liable if you feed our steaks to your dog. Don’t do it.

Curious, I open the menu expecting to see a fine selection of CBD and/or THC infused steaks. Instead, I find an elaborate drink menu.

I look at Jackie with an eyebrow raised.

“I came across those menu covers in a dumpster a few years back,” he explains. “Been savin’ ‘em.”

Jocelyn stands at the head of the table, clinking her water glass. She looks around the room, smiling in greeting to the attendees.

“You can order your drinks in a moment,” Jocelyn starts. “But first, I’d like to make introductions. Of course, I need no introduction. Not because I am so famous - though I am - but because I called each and every one of you just two days ago. So surely you must all remember me.”

Nods around the table.

“I would like to go around the table and have everyone introduce themselves,” Jocelyn tells us. “And our first order of business will be to decide if we start in a clockwise or counter clockwise fashion.”

The members around the table erupt in an angry debate. Jocelyn lets this go on for several seconds before she interjects: “That was a joke. Deciding which way to go around the table to make introductions is an agenda item that could have been an email. And an email that could have been a… nothing. Because we will just be going clockwise.”

As she finishes her sentence, she points to her left.

A tall, impossibly handsome man stands up. His blonde hair shines like cornsilk in the sun. He moves his body in the smooth, easy way that athletes have about them. He is wearing his now-famous dusty rose hoodie, crisp white T shirt and acid wash jorts. Evenings have cooled as the days have grown shorter moving towards the Fall. To accommodate for the cooler weather, his jorts hit flatteringly 5in below the knee, rather than his typical 5in inseam.

“Hi, everyone,” he says in his impossibly adorable Australian accent. “I’m Cody ‘Jorts’ Simpson. Two time Olympic gold medalist in swimming and recording artist. Of all of my accomplishments, though, I am most proud of my collaboration with Jocelyn and the man to my left. We were part of a speaker series at various government-funded employment agencies. My talk, the highlight of my career, was on the importance of TIME MANAGEMENT.”

I’m not sure how he was able to convey all caps with his tone, but he did it. And with aplomb.

As if on cue, perhaps actually on cue, the man to ‘Jorts’ Simpson’s left began to chant. “So shorty who that who that you think always missing you? Iyiyi can not get enough of kissing you. I don’t cry-yiyi. Ok I shed a tear or two…” When no beat drop was forthcoming, he continued: “Good evening, all. I am American rapper and singer Tramar Lacel Dillard, better known as Flo Rida.”

Flo is wearing a perfectly fitted black T shirt, with unexpected pops of interest in the form of three separate and apparently non-functional-only-fashionable zippers adorning it. He had similar black, zipper-adorned pants. And sunglasses with the arms appearing to be zippers as well.

Flo must have noticed me noticing all his zippers. “Well spotted,” he says to me. “I have chosen my outfit carefully tonight as a metaphor. The zippers going in all manner of directions represent my - and our - desire to ‘undo’ the evil plot. In a manner of speaking. As it were.”

Jackie introduces himself next. He is succinct. “I’m Federal Agent Jackie Bauer. And this is the longest day of my life.”

And, finally, me.

“Hi everyone,” I start. “I feel a bit out of my depth here, standing in this room with all of you. My name is Claire Reynolds. I am a four time NaNoWriMo winner, with my most recent work being published and rocketing me to the bottom of the New York Times Bestseller list. I am also a family doctor, a very rare breed of doctor indeed. Here in Ontario, at least.”