Gordon's Moment to Shine with a Bedazzled Microphone and 45,770 Fans Cheering

 This excerpt needs no introduction. Unlike Gordon Toodie.

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"Daniel Craig, is that you under those bangs?" from NYT Fashion

“I won’t waste any more of your time," Jackie says, "and I’ll get right to the introductions after briefly reminding you that, unlike alcohol, This Ain’t The Stilton by Claire Reynolds paperback edition is for sale on board today, and the author herself will be able to sign your copy if you wish.

“And now I’ll introduce our first act in today’s extravaganza. Dr. Gordon Toodie was born in Barrie Ontario in 1834. There he had an illustrious career as a private detective for many many years before leaving to pursue higher education. He attended the Social and Political Thought program at University of Toronto where he was awarded his PhD for his award-winning dissertation ‘Becoming-Piquette’ in 2013. After that, he moved to Florida in search of work and fell on hard times. It was there, at a government-funded employment agency, that he found his cape - and found his feet again. Thereafter, he moved to Stratford Ontario, where he… Well, no one really knows what he does there. But he does it with a cape. Today, he will be reading a passage from his award-winning dissertation. Let’s hear it for Gordon Toodie!”

There is a smattering of applause through the audience. 

“Good afternoon!” Gordon yells, running onto the stage and holding a bedazzled microphone, his cape flowing behind him. I look at him more closely and note that underneath his classic black and red velvet cape is the exact copy of the outfit that Suzie had tried to get me to wear: brown, green, black and white-patterned grandpa sweater, whiskered medium wash jeans with a very thick black belt - undone - and paired with a woven brown leather strapped messenger bag. And rather than his usual slicked back wet look hair, he has re-created Craig’s lank side-bangs befitting a 1990s grunge rock star. 

He clears his throat. “Much like the rest of this event has had to ‘pivot’ with the unexpected change of venue and lack of alcohol sales, I too have decided to pivot. It does not make much sense for me to read to you from my award-winning dissertation about alcohol when there is, in fact, no alcohol for sale. So I have planned something different and very special for you all. I hope you enjoy.”

He silently looks down at his feet.

He waits.

The crowd waits.

A hushed murmur moves through the crowd. Is something wrong?

The crowd quiets as the first few tentative notes of a piano come through the speakers. The volume and confidence of the notes build and at the same instant everyone aboard the ship recognizes the tune.

“I hate to give the satisfaction of asking how you’re doing now,” Gordon croons in a high-pitched, slightly out of tune warble that I am sure will draw the ire of the crowd. But just like the piano notes quickly built in confidence, so too does Gordon. “How’s the castle built of people you pretend to care about? Just what you wanted. Look at you, cool guy, got it.” At that line he drops a wink and the crowd goes wild.

“I see the parties and the diamonds sometimes when I close my eyes. Six months of torture you sold as some forbidden paradise. I loved you truly. You’ve gotta laugh at the stupidity…”

And the whole crowd joins in for the chorus. Folks have their phone lights on, held up to the sky, waving them back in forth with the beat of the musics. 

Where has this Gordon been all this time that I have known him?

He finishes the song to a raucous standing ovation. He has brought down the house.

He gracefully exits the stage after taking a bow, his cape fluttering in the breeze behind him.