Welcome, little kiddies! How about some tricks and some treats? I have 48,414
As I climb over the edge onto the safety of the ship’s deck, I see something so terrifying that a cry out and turn back around in an effort to flee. Surely jumping off the ship is preferable to what I have seen on board. A tiny clown with violent green hair, glowing red eyes, and it’s mouth twisted into a rictus of malevolent glee is standing standing next to me. It holds a sign which reads: Danger.
“Oh, why don't you take off that mask...What? That's not a mask? It's your face?” It says to me with an evil laugh, eyes glowing and it’s tiny body shaking so vigorously that he is moving around. Creepy circus music plays in the background.
I jump back, nearly tottering off the ship. I regain my balance just in time.
“Woah, move it! I'm on a roll. Here comes trouble!” The thing says to me. This time, I catch the electric warble. The eyes blink open and shut.
The realization that the clown is animatronic rather than real does - slightly - increase my sense of safety compared to moments ago. But what sort of unhinged person would purchase such a decoration? Surely such a frightening prop would cause long lasting trauma to all the neighbourhood children were it used as a Hallowe’en decoration on a front porch.
I wait for Steph and Suzie to get to the top before I ask “Hey, folks. What the hell?”
Suzie chimes in first. “Maybe the clown just came with the building,” she said, her usually bright and cheerful voice transforming into whispery voice, destroyed by years of chain-smoking. She quickly cleared the throat. “Sorry. Don’t know what that was. I have no idea what is going on here. None of this is to our specifications. Let me get in touch with my contact at The Floating Barrel to find out what is going on here. Leave it with me. Steph, you take Claire to get set up.”
“Follow me,” Steph says, not sounding confident about her ability to navigate the ship. Then, under her breath, she whispers “Fuck, that thing was scary.”
As we move away from the precarious, plastic-spider and -rat decorated rope ladder and the evil clown-thing I hear a sharp intake of breath from Marcus. Steph stops in her tracks simply stands with her mouth agape, looking completely gormless. I turn towards what they are all looking at: a large poster board standing on an easel that reads, 'Ahoy, mates! Yonder lies death!' The word 'death' is crossed out in crayon, and underneath, in the same red crayon, is written: 'Claire Reynolds, author of This Ain’t the Stilton; Cody ‘Jorts’ Simpson featuring Flo Rida; Dr. Gordon Toodie, PhD.'
There is a teenager standing next to the sign, dressed in black pants and a black t-shirt, with Jack Kerouac School for Experimental Vineyardery written in swirly white lettering. The teenager appears to be drunk. He is holding a heavily laden tray filled with black stainless steel wine glasses that read ‘Daddy’s Sippy Cup’ and ‘Mommy’s Sippy Cup’ in white lettering which matched the shirt.
“May I offer you some drinks?” The teenager says, only the hint of slurring of his speech.
“What is it?” Marcus asks.
“It’s a Boo!bie Brew,” the teenager answers.
“What on Earth is a Boo!bie Brew?”
The drunk teenager totters slightly, then regains his balance. He takes a cue card out of the pocket of his black half apron and squints at it. “The Boo!Bie Brew is a whimsical take on the classic New Orleans Milk Punch. Creamy, sweet with just a slight edge, it’s truly a well-balanced cocktail and a great first introduction to bourbon. The ingredients include whole milk, bourbon, powdered icing sugar, vanilla extract, sugar crystals for the rim and an edible glitter garnish sprinkled on top. It also easily converted into a tasty virgin mocktail for kids - just make sure to add food colouring and a coloured sugar rim for whimsy and also to prevent getting the adult and children’s drinks from getting mixed up!”
He says this last part pointing to a second drunk teenager holding an equally heavily laden tray, this one filled with black stainless steel wine glasses that read ‘Baby’s Sippy Cup’.
“Good to know,” Marcus says. “I think we will take a pass.”
As he says this, all three kids start whining that they are thirsty.
“Fine, kids,” I say with a note of exasperation in my voice that will be familiar to any parent of young children.
As the kids clammer over to the second drunk teenager and grab their sippy cups, I look beyond the drunk teenagers at the ship itself.
It appears almost as if - no, exactly as if - a Martha Stewart Hallowe’en Crafting Special Edition Magazine has exploded all over the ship. Literally coming out of the woodwork.
What a delightful place to attend a book reading, pop music performance (or perhaps a time management seminar?), and whatever it is Gordon is up to now.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, I'm not really trusting Suzie right now. She leaves just as soon as they encounter Trouble???? Hmmm.
This is awe inspiring. Troubles really took things to the next level. Also, his programmed statements really make no sense. What does he mean by ‘I’m on a roll here’? But then you brought back the drunk teenagers, Hack Kerouac School and Boo!bie brew and I just died.
ReplyDeleteI was delighted to see a showing from the drunk teenagers! What a smart pairing with the Boo!Bie Brew and a book reading/pop music performance/time management seminar/close reading of a dissertation. I think the decor smashes it out of the park. It is Hallowe'en season after all.
ReplyDelete