A 1,903 word dissertation on "Becoming Marathon"

 I had a great writing session today, coming up with the meaning of 5km "marathon", with the help of a very familiar old friend. My still-unnamed main character goes to the first running store in her internet search, an establishment dubiously named "Fartleks and Fangs".

The man who is presumably the owner of the voice is a small man, with pale glistening skin, and jet back hair slicked back from his forehead where he has a deep widow’s peak. I do a double take.

“Gordon Toodie, at your service,” he croons.

“Uh, hi,” I manage to mumble out.

“Ah,” he says, tapping his chin with his thumb and forefinger knowingly. “New runner. Follow me.”

He walks me to the back of the store. My eyes are still adjusting to the dimness.

“Here you are,” he states proudly, motioning his hands in an exaggerated fashion towards a rack on the wall. It appears to contain poorly bound, wrinkled stacks of paper, the front cover marred with what appears to be Cheeto dust.

I pick out a sign on the rack which reads: Today only, 50% off.

“By popular demand, I have made my groundbreaking dissertation more accessible to the masses with a sale. Becoming Marathon: Breaking Through the Effort-Distance Paradox,” he declares, bowing deeply, clearly expecting applause. 

No applause is forthcoming.

Unhindered by my lack of interest, the pale, sweaty man forges ahead.

“My name is Gordon Toodie, famed runner, sports exercise physiologist and author of the groundbreaking, world-changing dissertation Becoming Marathon: Breaking Through the Effort-Distance Paradox. Inspired by the rather pedestrian work of philosopher Gilles Deleuze, "becoming" is a concept that describes a dynamic process of transformation and change. It's not about reaching a fixed state, but rather about the ongoing movement and interaction between different elements. "Becoming-marathon" in this context might refer to a specific process of transformation, potentially involving the relationship between distance and effort, or the way humans perceive and interact with the natural world. In this sense, a human running any distance who perceives that the effort they have put in is equal to the effort of running a marathon will have “become-marathon”, as it were. So to speak.” 

“As you would guess, I had many hurdles to overcome in the writing of this important work. Not running hurdles, as it were. The first hurdle to overcome was how to write my dissertation while eating my favourite snack: Cody Simpson’s Own Artisanal Cheese Puffs. I know that you will not mind my digression into a fun story of the provenance of this very special nosh. 

“Cody Simpson is a well known figure in both the music industry and swimming world. His teammates on Australian Olympic swim team used to always joke that his abs were so ‘great’ you could ‘grate’ cheese on them. It turns out the joke was on them! Not only can you grate cheese, his abs are so powerful that the cheese instantly turns to dust! Every grain of cheese dust on his artisanal cheese puffs has been grated by these very abs you see here today.”

This last part he says while reaching into a hidden pouch in his beautifully constructed velvet cloak. He whips out a picture of a very attractive blond man with what indeed could be described as great abs.

“We sell Cody Simpson’s Own Artisanal Cheese Puffs just over there. They are not only perfect for fuelling my genius, in the form of my snack of choice for my dissertation. They are the perfect fuel for your long runs.”

I look at him quizzically. I have no idea what I have walked into here. I had hoped to pop in quickly to the store, grab some serviceable running shoes, shorts and shirts for our mandatory lunch time runs and head back home.

Instead, I have been transported to a creepy Halloween-themed store, with a man who calls himself Gordon Toodie trying to sell me Cheeto-dust marred copies of his second-rate dissertation.

“Uh, thanks,” I manage to mumble. “I was actually looking for some shoes. For running.”

Gordon’s features contort from the placid “professorial” look he had previously sported to one of dawning understanding.

“Are you not with the ScotiaBank running group?” He asks.

I am now thoroughly creeped out. I start to slowly back away, not wanting to make any sudden movements, when he points to me.

“Your ID badge,” he says.

I look down, and there it is.

I did not think I even owned an ID badge.

Where did this come from.

“I am one of the official sponsors of the ScotiaBank Return to Office 5km ‘Marathon’,” he declares. “In fact, the Senior Leadership group and a jaunty fellow named Chuck who is from HR consulted with me on the development of the program. You could say that I am the ‘architect’, so to speak. As it were.”

When I don’t respond, he plows ahead.

“And my dissertation is mandatory reading, otherwise one would not understand the true meaning of "becoming" a 5km "marathon". It should have been in the memo that went out this afternoon?”